This afternoon, I acted in my last performance as Elizabeth Bennet in Emmanuel College’s production of Pride and Prejudice. It was honestly by my best performance, and I finished with a very good taste in my mouth. We had the quickest set strike I’ve ever experienced.
We had the cast party at Mrs. G’s house and watched a DVD of the first Saturday’s performance. I have to say, I was SO embarrassed of my performance. But, I also had to keep in mind that this is the first week that I didn’t take my anxiety meds two days in a row, and that helped me to remember that my voice and acting were not as terrible as I felt like they were. I had a great time sitting with Mrs. G. and baby B. and reminiscing about what a wonderful semester it was with such a wonderful and hard working cast.
I was not so put together as I drove home from the party. I thought forward, to my VERY near future when I walk across the stage to graduate from college. I realized that many of the friends I made this year, especially the friends in the music department that I kick myself for not getting to know sooner…I will probably never see them again. Nor will I ever perform on the Swails stage as a student, and likely never as a lead character again. I realized that Rachel will go home to New Zealand, and it is entirely probably that we will never see each other in person again. I realized that I am leaving a world that I have always known…into a place that I know nothing about.
Quite frankly, I am terrified. I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough or smart enough to keep up at UGA, and that I’ll never become a doctor. I’m afraid that I’ve reached my peak, and that I’ll never be as successful or happy that I am now. I’m trying with all my might to stifle these feelings and realize that I’m only going to go up from here, but it’s a little hard to see in this moment.
I’m sad, excited, nervous, and terrified all at the same time. I’m positively an ocean of emotion.