Day One.

This is the first day of finals week, Monday, May 4 (May the 4th be With You), and I am freaking exhausted. This was week two of not taking my anxiety meds two days in a row, and I think it’s beginning to take a small toll. I am having a lot of trouble getting to sleep at night. I am tired all day but when I finally crawl into bed I’m wide awake for hours and hours. I was aware that this would probably happen to me, but it’s still a little frustrating.

I only have two finals this wee, which is super nice. One of them is actually a presentation, so that’s even better.

I did a little interview thing for the school to put on social media about how Emmanuel has affected me. They asked me to come up with a word to put at the end of this statement: “EC is…” and I landed on “EC is home.” Because it is home. On Saturday I won’t be leaving a college that has been my home for four years…I’ll be leaving a college that’s been my home since I was five. I grew up on the Quad, and I’ve always felt this small sense of ownership because of that. That somehow part of this college belongs to me. But after I graduate on Saturday, I think that sense of ownership is going to disappear. I will no longer have a claim to anything about the college, or the people that work or go there. I think that’s why I feel so sad about it.

This feeling as slowly built over the year, but I only noticed it when I realized that I’ve gone from knowing most of the students to knowing about five of them. The college will continue to move forward and change, and if I try to come back here it will no longer exist as I remember it.

We sang a song in chorale this semester that PERFECTLY explains this feeling for me. It’s called “Crossing the Han River” by Peter Mennin. He took the text from the poem of the same name by Li Pin. I can’t find a link to a chorus singing the song anywhere, but I would encourage you to dig and find it, because it so encapsulates this feeling. Here is the poem:

Away from home,

I was longing for news Winter after winter, spring after spring.

Now, nearing my village, meeting people,

I dare not ask a single question.

It’s brief, but think about it really hard for a couple of days and I think you’ll see what I mean.

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