Y’all, I am OVER it. It’s definitely true that every trimester has posed its own set of discomforts. The first trimester is hard because you’re sick all the time and so exhausted from being sick. The second trimester is hard because, at least for me, that was the point where sleeping started to get really uncomfortable, and it also just got plain difficult to sleep because of insomnia. Well, the third trimester might be the hardest just because it’s like all of those things, plus more. And it’s even harder because you’re sooooo close to the finish line.
I’ve been having some Braxton-Hicks off and on, but nothing really consistent. I didn’t know what they were until I described the sensation to a friend, and she was like, oh yeah, that’s a Braxton-Hicks. I’ve always heard them described as a general tightening of the abdomen, which could be uncomfortable but not painful. That…is not really how it feels to me. Mine feel like a really intense pressure that’s localized just in my lower abdomen. It definitely is it, but it’s tightness that’s on the verge of actually being painful. And sometimes they last a loooooong time. All I have to say about them is that if that’s what a fake contraction feels like, I’m glad I decided on getting an epidural a long time ago, because I am a wimp.
I did go to the baby doctor today, and had my first cervical check of the pregnancy. It was uh…unpleasant, but probably only lasted 7 seconds so it wasn’t so bad. He said I haven’t begun dilating (and I assume I haven’t effaced either, because he didn’t say anything about it), which is a little discouraging, but I’m keeping in mind that it’s not really much of an indication of when labor will begin. He said that if I haven’t gone into labor by my next appointment (a week from today), we’ll probably start talking induction. I know some women are very turned off by the idea of induction before 41 or 42 weeks, and I totally understand why, especially if you’d hoped for an epidural-free birth for your whole pregnancy. Personally, I think if I were to go past my due date my anxiety would go through the roof which each passing day. The doctor said he doesn’t like to go too far past 40 weeks and Josh and I are both so okay with that, so I mean, we have like maybe a week and a half left, tops!
This week has been hard for some reason. My anxiety has steadily climbed with each day and I really don’t know why. I knew for the first half of the semester I spoke a lot about how I was so terrified of having a miscarriage. Part of the way my anxiety disorder manifests is that I fixate on the thing that I have no control over. I know how pointless that sounds, which is why it’s so frustrating. Well, for the last half of the pregnancy my major source of anxiety has switched from miscarriage to stillbirth. For some reason, stillbirth seems even more terrifying to me, and it’s something I worry about all day, every day. The closer I get to my due date, the more worried I get about it. And I definitely do everything I’m supposed to do–I kick count twice a day, and in between I try to be conscious of her movement even if I’m not doing actual counts. Some days I’m definitely less worried about it than others, but then the bad days tend to be really bad as far as my anxiety toward it. On those days I try to be sure to communicate how I’m feeling to Josh, because what has always been the best way to combat my irrational thinking is talking about it, so I have to make sure I always talk about how I’m feeling with him.
ANYWAY. Moving on from my anxiety, my good days are really good! Josh and I are both still sooooo ready to meet baby and it feels surreal that she’ll be here so soon. Yesterday, I was thinking back to this Christmas when we found out I was pregnant, and how far away meeting our baby felt to us. Well, now it’s almost here and I truly can’t believe it. Hey, hopefully this will be the last baby-free blog post I write!! Who knows?